Kate

My therapist contacted me today, apparently roar for freedom and a few of their alliances somehow got a hold of a tape of a support group meeting my friend tyler and I led a few years back, and has asked us to maybe each write something in support of SEOSO (sex offender solutions) and the association for the treatment of sexual abusers. I'm really really excited about this since I haven't had any involvment with this cause for awhile and have been looking forward to getting back into support and activism of these sites for such a long time. So when I get this all written I'd love some straight up honest criticism for anyone willing to read it with an open mind, understanding that my position as a survivor of abuse isn't what most people expect and I guess I can understand why there are those who think I'm just as "horrible as those perverts." I haven't had to really write anything anyone else would be reading for awhile and I could use the help in making sure I'm clear and understandable. So if you'll help me out let me know and I'll e-mail it to you when I'm done..I doubt livejournal would wanna keep my account after that post hah.

Hope everyones doing well..Loves <3

So tomorrow is my 20th birthday and I don't feel a year older yet.

Maybe tomorrow?

Yeah it has to be a birthday thing.

Not a day goes by that I can't define my life and present mood with music. And oddly enough it's never by my choosing, it always manages to find me. Sometimes it finds me desperate and scared other times in tears of joy, regardless it has yet to fail me. After an amazing time with Jamie tonight I found the current defintion of life on the way home, "Winners and Losers" by Social D. It's a song thats made me laugh, cry and scream in the past. Tonight tho it rang so much differently in my speakers. Sweet and simple, making me appreciate where I've come and where I'm going.


It was so clear and in right in front of my face.

Winners and losers, turn the pages of my life
We’re beggars and choosers, with all the struggles and the strife
I got no reason to turn my head and look the other way
We’re good and we’re evil, which one will I be today?

I've moved on from so much the past few months. Burdens that I felt I had to carry I let go of. Fears of abdonment and being hurt have dissolved before my eyes. Answers to life's decisions that I normally would gravitate towards have shifted from hurting myself and being hopeless to working things out rationally and finding the good in bad times.

There’s saints and sinners
Life’s a gamble and you might lose
There’s cowards and heroes
Both have been known now to break the rules
There’s lovers and haters
The strong and the weak will all have their day
We’re devils and angels
Which one will I be today?

I've always overanalyzed everything. Every word said to me, every look given and recived, every breath taken by anyone around me. It's driven me to the brink of insanity more than once or twice and I guess I've needed 19 years to accept I can't keep everything in line all the time and it's not always failing to simply walk away from the situation.

Are you happy now with all the choices you’ve made?
Are there times in life when you know you should’ve stayed?
Will you compromise and then realize the price is too much to pay?
Winners and losers, which one will you be today?

I cannot feel guilty for every single mistake I've made. I do not have to make up for my short comings all the time. I do not have to hurt myself every night to handle emotions I feel I lose control of. I cannot go back and change the course of history, I can only do my best to not repeat it.

There’s a light and a dark side
Standing at the crossroads, there we’ll meet
There’s prophets and fools there
The lies and the truth, will be at our feet
I got a reason to turn my head and look the other way
Its heaven and hell here, which one will I live today?


Letting the past dictate my future has always been easier, but letting go is truly the first step to happiness. Ultimately it's my choice to tap out when im down or pull myself up and take on the match. I've learned that I AM a fighter.


Are you happy now with all the choices you’ve made?
Are there times in life when you know you should’ve stayed?
Did you compromise and then realize the price was too much to pay?
Winners and losers, which one will you be today?



There are moments it's necessary to break down. Sometimes my best really is good enough. Life doesn't wait for anyone. Loving and losing is better than never loving at all, but it will always hurt like hell.

Which one will you be today?
Which one will I be today?

I'm finding that life is always best when I dance until I can't stand, Laugh until it hurts, Sing until my voice gives out and soak up every bit of joy each chance I get; taking on every new day with a deep breath and asking myself, 'Which one will I be today?'.

I live less than five miles away from you yet these little blue pills are keeping us a million miles apart. I'm going to be your wife soon enough but this past couple weeks I feel like we barely know eachother. I know your trying, god I know your trying so much! You're getting up at 4 in the morning and riding your bike to work just so that we can have the life we want together in califonia. You never cease to amaze me and thats why this hurts so much. I never see you because your sleeping and upset, your sleeping and upset cause I never see you because of work. Its a loose loose situation. I miss you and my god I fucking love you. Thank you for working so hard and loving me the way you do. But please please please we have to fix this. I need to be held again. I need your arms and those eyes and that kiss. I love you and I just want you happy and healthy. I want to be there for you and wake up every day and kiss you good morning. I want a life with you. I want to be your wife, your girl, your monster, your princess forever. Tho these days I'd just settle for roomates. I can't way till we get away from this forever.

Gone to West Virgina till Sunday morning.

I don't particularly care for the 12 hour drive in the car with my family.
(Think osbourns meets IRA rally, meets I love Lucy stupidity)

And I'm not really looking foward to a memorial service for some sexist pig I met twice. Or meeting distant relatives. Why? Because their related to me. And because they have stong opinions about my mother which they horribly defend, and also have pre-judgments about me, which they got from the just metioned deceased asshole. And they've felt it's ok to treat my mum like shit the last 20 years because she's made decisions that didn't agree with them or their fucking bible. They've made her out to be some common whore when really she was young and has done her best to raise me right. For people who claim to believe in the love and forgiveness of jesus, they really have a hard time applying it to their daily lives.

And so basically, does anyone want a confederate flag?

Here (In your Arms)-Hellogoodbye.

2.Which do you use more a pen or pencil ?
pen

3. Look at your planner for June 30 th what, if anything, do you have planned?
Uhm no?

4. What states don't have daylight savings?
Don't we all?

5. What was the last thing you dreamed about ?
Idr.

6. What color is you bedroom carpet ?
Grey

7. How many passengers does your car hold?
i don't have a car yet.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
I have a few.

9. What is your favorite canned soup?
Tomato.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in russia?
nope.

11. Did you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?
Way to many

12. Who is the last baby that you held?
Idr.

13. Do you know all the words to the star spangled banner?
Yea

14. Where did you sleep last night?
My bed.

15. What kind of cars have you had?
None.

16. Is there a person you talk to everyday?
Mike and Josh and Becky

17. Last time you went to zoo?
Idunno.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
nope.

19. Do you know what Semper Fi is?
Kinda.

20. Do people have special rings on your phone?
No.

21. Who is the last person who wrote you a check?
Idunnp

22. How many unframed pictures do you have in your house?
I don't know!

23. Do you enjoying checking the mail?
Yup.

24. Have you ever applied for a job where the waitresses wear shorty shorts and halters?
All the time.

25. How many pairs of underwear do you have?
Uhm dunnnoooo.

26. Last time you received flowers?
Easter.

27. Do you play with your hair?
Yeaaaaah

28. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Sugar and Cream or Milk

29. Do you have any marshmallows?
no.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter?
I don't know.

31. Last person who told you to f*** off?
Uhm AJ?

32. Have you driven any of your top friends cars?
No.

33. Would you like to learn to play the harp?
Yeah!!

34. How many entry ways are there into your living room?
3

35. Last thing you read?
Impulse

36. What was the last pageant you attended?
Uhm?

37. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Little Italy.

38. Ever rode in a limo?
No.

39. What is the last thing you stapled?
a paper

40. Did you ever drink milk & Pepsi?
ha yea

41. Are your feet ticklish?
Mhm

42. Last time you saw fireworks?
August.

43. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
i dunno

44. Who is the last person that drove you some where?
my dad

45. Last time you parked under a carport?
huh?

46. Do you have a black dog?
Noo

47. Do you have any A1 in your fridge?
nope.

48. Are you a dominating person?
no

49. Who has the prettiest toes that you know of?
you.

50.When is the last time you saw a transvestite?
Uhm not that long ago.

51. Is there anything you would like to learn?
sure

52. How long of a drive do you have to work every morning?
i go to school.

53. At what point did you realize you were 'grown' up?
I'm not.

54. What's your favorite drink?
Juice

55. Would you ever run from the police?
maybe

56. What do you do when you are comfortable with someone?
Stuff.

57. Can You Remember Your First Kiss?
o.O

59. Have You Ever Been In Love Before?
I am.

61. Whats His/her Best Feature?
eyes

63. Do you get jealous if they have friends of the opposite sex?
Nooooo?


****************************
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1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
No long ago.

2. What were you doing this morning at 1am?
Sleeping? Maybe.

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
shower

4. What are you wearing?
Tee and pj bottoms

5. Are you mad at anyone right now?
Meh not really.

6. Last person who said they loved you?
Mike.

7. Last time you flirted?
Idr.

8. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
For the most part.

9. Last thing received in the mail?
College shit.

10. Do you have any famous relatives?
mhm

11. What's a song that you're ashamed to admit you like?
Idr

12. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No.

13. How is your hair?
wet messy bun thingy.

14. How many different drinks have you had today?
Coffee, Coolata, Coke, Flavored Water, Chocolate milk.

15. What have you eaten today?
Bagels and pizza

16. Are you any good at math?
Naaaaah

17. Do you have plans on saturday night?
Goin to mums i guess.

18. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Sometimes.

19. Most painful dental procedure?
Mmm just fillings so far.

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
MMM yeah

21. Do you like the ocean?
Kinda.

22. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
Yupp

23. Something you are excited about?
Prom?

24. What did you do today?
Dunkins, School (Day of silence) stuff with tay, home, phone, stuff.

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
mhm

26. Where do you keep your change?
Where ever.

27. Do you remember the naughtiest night of your life?
excuse me?

28. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
Define sleep with.

29. What was the weather like on your Birthday?
SUNNY <4

30. What's your love's nick name and name?
Squee/Gove ( I don't call him those.) Mike.

Today was amazing.

Jamie and I went into the city and had a kick ass time.

I love him and I'm about ready to pick the flowers and music for the wedding.

Cause clearly we're supposed to spend the next million lifetimes together.

hah.


I just thought everyone would like to know. <3

Today is the worst day I've had in a long time.

One of those days thats so bad when I sat down to try and constructivly think of why and what happened to cause such horror my mind suddenly went blank and all the nasty words, blood and tears ran together like the rain into the gutter.

One of those days thats so bad I listened to Soco Amaretto Lime on reapeat while I cleaned my room like I was trying to cover a murder. Called your phone to hear it go right to your message, but didn't stop dialing just in case you turned it back on.

One of those days that I would've rather rolled a third degree burn in salt than deal with that fight. If only someone had given me something cheap and fast I would've mainlined it on the hood of bob lynch's squad car if only to make the clock say 12:01 a.m.

One of those days that was so bad I walked up to the bridge and prayed for wings and a nice breeze from the east so I could leap off and fly right to california. But really I would've settled for anywhere other than right there and then.


Yeah it was one of THOSE days.


Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to find some pretty little sleeping pills before I go into a full blown panic attack.

It really seems like the more that goes on in the world around me, the less I have to say.

Call it giving up or being meloncholy, at the end of the day it's all the same to me.

You know what I think?

I think I need summer.

And I think you do too.

Don't argue with me

This is non-negotiable.

The moon is such a deep red tonight.

Manson murder red.

Almost full.

Almost, but not quite.

Like me..almost happy, almost there..but not quite.

Nope I'm still waiting for a california moon.

I'm still waiting to count stars over the bay on the golden gate

Lick the salty air right off his lips and out of his lugs.

Say to myself: 'If there is a god, keep the sun from rising for just a couple
more hours. Just give me this one night'


Then I'll sink into his arms and wish on every twinkle in the sky.



California, hurry up.

One day I want hands identical to yours
Weathered with time
Decades of hanging laundry
And baking bread

I want a mind as sharp as yours
Even in the end
Quick with a joke
And a loving word

Your smile, I want that smile
Squinting in delite
Wrinkles around the mouth
And your infectious laugh


I wish to have eyes like yours
Wise and telling
Of watching your boys grow to men
And then seeing them off to war


I want to bring the joy you did to the house,
With a kitchen that never closes
I want to raise my children just as you did,
Stern but always there to pick up the pieces
I want to see the times change,
But not lose sight of the past
I want to fall in love for better or worse,
And stay by his side till death do us part
I want your strength and will to succeed,
As a woman of character and grace
I want to tell my grand daughters that
"you can tell everything about a woman by her hands."
I want to live by that like you did
Build my life to make sure I work hard
Dig deep and take chances
Keep my friends and family close to heart,
And never let them go

I want to be as you were, grandma,
Faithful and passionate till the end,
Touching the lives of everyone you ever met,
And doing it all
With strong but kind hands

The dark shadow gains on me as I trip,
falling faster and faster off the cliff,
the icy water and jagged rocks fly towards my face

I wake up in a cold sweat.
The clock hits 4:14
I clutch at my chest and try to catch my breath
It always feels like the worst nightmare ever

And then the phone rings and i hear your voice
"just wanted to say i love you."
a smile creeps over my face
"I love you too. talk to you later"

See, when I say you'll never know how much you mean to me
I'm not kidding.
Because your the only one who can chase away the worst monsters
without even being asked to check under my bed.

Watching your chest rise and fall while you sleep is honestly the most beautiful and soothing thing ever. The perfect lullaby.

These are the moments I wish I could freeze and put into a locket to wear around my neck, held close to my heart, just as you are my love. So close our hearts share rhythm.


Once again, I love you.

We sit on the floor and exchange words
Your on the second page of reasons
"We" will never work
I interrupt with,
"Dude, the way you hold your cigarette is so tacky"
Clear your throat, carry on

1: I'm not classy
2. I'm not sexy
3. I have a habit of not wearing eyeliner

blah blah blah

12.I'm too loud
13.Too opinionated

etc. etc. etc.

I'm noticing the little things that never bothered
me before
Like the way your lips look when you say any word that begins with "s"
Or how you push your clevage in my direction when you talk.
Like we're fucking baboons in mating season.

22. My lack of empathy for failed local bands astounds you


I feel like I should be crying;
I'm losing a friend after all.

Remember the Lost city angels show?
Well...I do.
You were all in blue.
Your eyes screaming Drama queen!
But I liked standing next to you.

"And in conclusion...Katie I just think it's time we go our seperate ways."

I watch you ash on the floor and I take a deep breath and laugh

I look you dead in the eyes and say

"My dear friend I can't believe you want to end what we have. It's always been so lovely and cliche. I understand your torn between the two of us..But for the record, doll, I'm so scene. So scene that when I squeeze into my extra skinny jeans Fall Out Boy starts playing and boys with horrible dye jobs and ugly tattoos get on their knees for more of my scene godness. So X X and step off"

Take your Hugs Not Drugs shirt and shove it where the sun dont shine.
After all, isn't it where the best default pictures are taken?
Hell maybe it will even inspire another song.

Because really the human race has better things to do that occupy itself with costume jewelry and straight edge antics.

THANK YOU!!

They say nothing good can last forever.



But clearly they have yet to meet you and I.


Baby we're fucking immortal.


I love you.

Tonight I want to run barefoot in the dew covered grass. I want to watch the summer sky fade into the most fabulous purple and give way to the deepest stars. I want to steal a kiss from you as we play hide and seek among the tree line and Mr. Santo's house. Chase after the fireflies and dream of uncharted islands. Compare grass stains on our knees and let our cheeks brush. I want to capture you from the world we currently occupy and take you to a place of our own; One where magic is possible, people are kind, happiness is forever and the biggest problem to face is coming home after the street lights go out. I want to wake up to those summer days with you every morning, and go to bed every night with a kiss and the promise of the most innocent fairytales for dreams.


I love you.

Another battle, push the record on
It's skipping again and I dont know what to do
Love. Sex. Drugs.
Snapshots of us flash in my mind
If I play this song backwards what will it say?
hit me harder, fuck me harder
If I could just grab hold of the melody
I could stop the two of us from killing eachother
but baby, your worth all the pain
I've heard this song a million times
I've written it on my skin
Love. Sex. Drugs
We'll play it at our wedding,
You can hum it at my funeral
hit me harder, fuck me harder
I could take the needle from the player
Put an end to this troubled chorus
but baby, your worth all the pain

Thanks to glutonous,gas guzzling, hair spray raging,plastic melting whores I was able to enjoy a nice drizzly ride home with my windows down IN THE BEGINNING OF JANUARY IN NEW ENGLAND.

Tho it was nice I still have to cringe because I know this lovely night drive was due to a little diminishing thing we like to call the "ozone layer".

I'm more than pretty sure we need this so called "ozone layer" to sustain the things we most depend on. Kinda important. Something about vegetation, temperature control, crops and water supplies around the world. Last I checked it comes down to life or death.

New England doesnt have 60 degree days in January.

God bless the polor ice caps.

That is all, Good night.

I've been struggling a lot lately with some ideas. Life ideas. Like whether I'm worth his love, or how I'll ever afford my own place. Trying to find out why up until so recently I was so full of hate, and I can't figure it out. I don't have an excuse I know that much. Life experiences take a toll on you, that's what I've been told. I never thought they were doing this too me but maybe I was wrong, maybe I did let them get to me a bit. And I'd bitch about him smoking when in reality I've always found it sexy. I like a boy that smells like ciggaretts and easy sex. Maybe it took going away to remember why I fell so hard for him in the first place and why I need him in my life. I'm 19 but sometimes I feel so much older. Grief, drugs, alcohol, sex, rape, a baby, death of some of the closest people to me. I just think maybe I let it age me. But I'm in control of my life and I need to stop that from happening. I'm not 19 going on 45. I don't want to be. I can't let the past rule what I say and do, or how my day will go with him. Those things are over and I'm stronger because of them, stronger with him. So all that negativity in my life and in my relationship has just got to go. I'm too young to be stressed. Too young to hold a grudge. I'm letting it all go. Starting with my childhood and going thru the phillips estate night and the little incident with a bathroom window. I just..I can't keep replaying these events in my mind over and over, it will kill me to spend the next 20 years even trying to. I'm in love and I'm not evil. I've made some choices I shouldn't have but I have the brains to learn from my mistakes. I'm done living in the past from here on out. I'm done basing decisions and emotions on "what was" and "used to be". The memories and the scars I will carry forever, but not the fear and hate. And as I've just learned today..that doesn't make me weak, it just makes me human. God, it feels good to be alive.

HAVE YOU EVER....

made-out in/on a car?
YES. BOTH ACTUALLY.

kissed in the snow?
HAHA MY FIRST KISS WITH A BOY WAS IN THE SNOW.

had your heart broken?
A FEW TIMES.

broke someone else's heart?
SADLY, YES

had a stalker?
I'VE BEEN ONE..I GUESS..HAH.

had/have a good relationship with someone?
I HAVE A GOOD ONE NOW <3

questioned your sexual orientation?
I'VE QUESTIONED BEING STRAIGHT MORE THAN I HAVE QUESTIONED BEING A LESBIAN. I'VE ALWAYS LIKED GIRLS, ODDLY ITS NEVER BEEN SOMETHING IVE HAD TO QUESTION

liked a "friend only" of the same sex?
YEAH, IT'S HAPPENED ONCE OR TWICE. GOOD THING IT NEVER WENT ANYWHERE.

had an abortion?
YES

gotten married?
ALMOST

had a divorce?
NOPE

had a gay marriage?
HAH SABRINA AND I WANTED TO HAVE A RANCID THEME WEDDING <3 LOL

liked someone you'll never forget, even tho your no longer together?
YES. I WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE SOME FORM OF RESPECT FOR CALINS FATHER SIMPLY FOR THE FACT THAT BECAUSE OF HIM I HAVE HER. BUT THATS IT

asked someone out?
YEAH.

broke a promise?
OF COURSE. WHO HASN'T

broke a BIG promise?
POSSIBLY.

broke up with someone you still loved?
AT THE TIME YEAH I DID STILL LOVE THEM. BUT IT WAS IN HIS BEST INTREST AND I GOT OVER IT QUICKLY.

friend you've known the longest?
ANDREW

promised that friend you wouldnt tell a secret they shared, but told someone anyway?
NAH. I PREFER BLACKMAIL <3 LOL. IF SOMEONE TELLS ME SOMETHING IN CONFIDENCE, I'M GOOD ON MY WORD.

die to protect a secret for you best friend?
OF COURSE.

done something you've regretted?
WHO HASNT

lost faith in love?
FOR A SHORT TIME, YES

cried after hearing a song?
MUSIC IS THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE THAT CAN MAKE ME CRY THE HARDEST BUT THEN TURN AROUND AND CHEER ME UP AGAIN.

SEX/RELATIONSHIPS

had sex with someone alot older than you?
YES

why/why not?
LET'S JUST SAY I USE CERTAIN ASPECTS OF MYSELF AS AN ADVANTAGE BECAUSE I LIKE TO GAIN THE CONTROL OF SOMEONE ELSES THOUGHTS, ACTIONS AND SINS.

had sex with someone younger than you?
YES

why/why not?
ALCOHOL, COCAINE, NICE ASS LOL

would u ever give a bj for money?
FOR ADDERALL? LOL

how about a hj?
FOR ADDERALL? HAHAH

CHECK ALL THAT APPLY
WORK/SCHOOL
( ) got a promotion
(X) got a pay raise
(X) started a new job
( ) lost your job
(X) quit your job
(X) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
(X) got straight A's
(X) met one teacher you really like
(X) met one teacher you really hated
(x) found the subject you love
(x) failed a class
(x ) cut class
(X) skipped school/college
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
(X) gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embarassed yourself in front of the class
(NOT IN LOVE SO MUCH ) fell in love with a teacher
(X ) got lead in the school play
(X ) made a varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
(x) met a new friend
(X ) have a group of new best friends
(X ) lost a good friend

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(X) ran a mile
(X) listened to music you couldn't stand
(X ) double-dipped
(X ) skinny-dipped
(x ) went to a sleepover
(x) went to camp/went camping
(X) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
(x) visited a foreign country
(X) visited a foreign state
(X) cooked a disastrous meal
(X) lost something important to you
(x. JAMIE<3 ) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
(x) dyed/bleached/highlights your hair
(X ) came close to losing your life
(X ) someone close to you died
(x) missed someone
(X ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( X) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
(X) saw your favorite band/artist live
() saw someone famous in person
(X) did something you want to tell everyone but cant